Being an artist or writer isn’t easy. Anybody can pick up a pen and start writing or drawing, but looking the part is the tricky bit that can make or break your career. How can anybody be taken seriously in their craft if they’re not wearing hemp bracelets, a v-neck t-shirt, and non prescription glasses? Well they can’t, but everyone knows that.

What aspiring artists overlook is how to format their lifestyle to be consistent with their own personal and of course completely unique image. Up until now this has been a mystery to me, but for the last week I’ve been squatting in my sister’s old apartment and have had a few realizations about how to put those finishing touches on your personal hub of creativity.

Here are five ways to let people know that you mean business, but not actual business, because that’s way too corporate.

5 Ways to live like an artist

1. Your living room, bedroom and dining room should all be the same place

You don't eat where you sleep?

Why? Because you can’t afford to diffuse your creativity with the modern age’s most devilish creation, walls. With multiple rooms you could risk losing the unity of your life and your work.  Focusing your existence will invariably focus your work.

2. Just have one big knife to do all your cutting

Only have one knife, just make sure it's big

Plain and simple, one really big novelty size knife to do all your chopping. The bigger it is the better.  In fact anything that you wouldn’t call a sword will fit the bill. When your consumer friends ask, “What gives Hannibal?”, tell them that you only want to have one knife so you can always make sure it’s sharp… like your mind. Serious intensity cred.

3.  Don’t have an office or desk

A spartan space to work in

Don’t bother with the traditional conventions of what society has defined as a work space. A desk is what ‘the man’ works at, an artist creates and this includes his own brand of work environment. Also, to really get across the point that you’re poor, chasing your dream and generally don’t give a shit, make sure you’re creative space looks humble or better yet shabby. A free tip, because you love things that are free, try a series of boxes or containers to achieve the desired look. The more unstable looking the better.

4. Don’t have food

An artist's fridge is an empty fridge

Why do you need food when your projects nourish you?  Or at least that’s what you’ll say to people when they look at your pathetic pantry.  If you have to have food, keep it to the absolute basics such as eggs, bread, cheese and ketchup. When questioned, explain that you only need the primary colours to make every other colour and the same rules apply to YOUR LIFE. That’s some deep shit.

5. Don’t own anything

First of all, this will give your life that appearance of focus and clarity that will keep people thinking that you’re onto something big. Secondly, by keeping your possessions to a minimum it will make your inevitable eviction that much quicker, because you don’t do any work that actually pays.

With these five helpful tips you’ll be on your way to appearing to be an artist, or maybe being confused for a reclusive serial killer.

To start off, I’m a sweater.  People have looked at me and said, “I bet you’re a sweater.” If you’re a sweater then saying, “Oh golly, I sure am damp with sweat,” does not do justice to the saturation level that myself and those like me are experiencing.

For instance, my kneecaps sweat quite heavily.  I can feel those little disgusting beads trickle down my legs.  Am I supposed to say that I am just ‘sweaty’?  No friends, we should not be shackled and repressed when expressing to the world how disgusting we feel.

Eskimos have many names for different kinds of snow. The white stuff is a large part of their life and accordingly this is reflected in their language.  So should we not have many names for the sweat that causes so much discomfort in the summer months, the sweat that embarrassingly soaks our clothing and forces us to do laundry more than once a month?  It would only seem accurate to adjust our language appropriately.

So I give you a formula that will make your sweat your own,

SWEAT + (BODY PART)=SW(body part minus the first letters if they are consonants)
examples
sweat + back = swack
sweat + chest = swest
sweat + belly = swelly
sweat + elbows = swelbows
sweaty + nose or toes = swoes or swose (care is needed in using this, although context usually removes ambiguity)

As you can see your new found summer vocabulary is limited only by the number of body parts that are covered in sweat.

Use this system, make it your own, and let the world know how gross you feel… accurately. Don’t be left lost for words this summer when describing your sweaty situation to those around you.